I’m lost, It hurts, And I have no idea what to do.
The pain isn’t new, and I came to accept it.
I even thought for a time I had it under control or something.
But I don’t.
It is consuming me, sanity isn’t something I cling to anymore, I know mine is too far gone.
I’m not even sure if I was sane in the first place.
For a time the fact of letting go was soothing.
I am tired, and it was an inevitable relief.
I wouldn’t have been able to do anything else.
And I needed it.
But now, I’m falling,
And there’s nothing to catch,
Nowhere to ease my fall.
I don’t know where I’m going to land,
Nor when, nor even if I’ll land at all.
And I’m terrified.
I’m way farther than I ever came against the veil.
I feel that it’s too late,
Slowing my fall with the edges of this reality is only hurting my hands, and my grisp weakened by the cuts is utterly useless.
I’m preparing for the impact but it didn’t come yet.
I don’t know how long it’ll take, neither do I know how much I can take.
All I know is the farther I fall the farther I feel from their reality.
The farther I fall, the farther it hurts.
Truth is, I didn’t totally let go yet, how could I ?
I merely slipped, and I’m still panicking about the void beyong my sight, the void I’m falling into.
In my panick I try to feel reality around me, but it just hurts.
Truth is, I feel alone, as far as I know I may be the only falling through this pit.
As far as I know, there may be nobody to catch my fall at the end, nobody to help me fix the broken bones and broken Hearts.
Nobody at all in the vast void that is eating me.
I tried explaining it to friends I trust, in hopes I could get someone to understand, to help me feel like I’m something else than a total alien to them.
I don’t blame them, but I didn’t find someone that really understood yet… But how could they ? I’m not even sure if I do.
I feel something though in this void.
It is not empty, at least I don’t think so.
I feel voices and songs, characters and stories,
I feel that I may belong …
Although, I’m terrified, I may be wrong …
And even if I’m not, then what ?
Do I need to abandon everything I hold dear here ?
Do I get a fiction more suited to my character ?
Will the pain finally stop when I get there ?
Will I fully become alien to all I thought I knew ?
For now, I try to dull the pain, I live other stories, and love new characters, I try to ease everything in my dreams…
But the fall rings louder and louder in my head, in my hearts.
I cry, I laugh, and cry some more.
I transcend my angst by worrying about nothing.
I don’t even have enough faith to hope for anything else.
I can’t take nothing more of it, and yet, I still fall.
The only thing keeping me awake is the amazement of my own capacity to loose my mind.
I’m tired, I’m scared, And I have no idea what is down there. Will I ever live it through ?