News and thoughts about lots of things

I’m lost,
It hurts,
And I have no idea what to do.


The pain isn’t new, and I came to accept it.

I even thought for a time I had it under control or something.
But I don’t.

It is consuming me, sanity isn’t something I cling to anymore, I know mine is too far gone.

I’m not even sure if I was sane in the first place.

For a time the fact of letting go was soothing.
I am tired, and it was an inevitable relief.

I wouldn’t have been able to do anything else.

And I needed it.

But now, I’m falling,

And there’s nothing to catch,

Nowhere to ease my fall.

I don’t know where I’m going to land,

Nor when, nor even if I’ll land at all.

And I’m terrified.

I’m way farther than I ever came against the veil.

I feel that it’s too late,
Slowing my fall with the edges of this reality is only hurting my hands, and my grisp weakened by the cuts is utterly useless.

I’m preparing for the impact but it didn’t come yet.

I don’t know how long it’ll take, neither do I know how much I can take.

All I know is the farther I fall the farther I feel from their reality.

The farther I fall, the farther it hurts.

Truth is, I didn’t totally let go yet, how could I ?

I merely slipped, and I’m still panicking about the void beyong my sight, the void I’m falling into.

In my panick I try to feel reality around me, but it just hurts.

Truth is, I feel alone, as far as I know I may be the only falling through this pit.

As far as I know, there may be nobody to catch my fall at the end, nobody to help me fix the broken bones and broken Hearts.

Nobody at all in the vast void that is eating me.

I tried explaining it to friends I trust, in hopes I could get someone to understand, to help me feel like I’m something else than a total alien to them.


I don’t blame them, but I didn’t find someone that really understood yet… But how could they ? I’m not even sure if I do.

I feel something though in this void.

It is not empty, at least I don’t think so.

I feel voices and songs, characters and stories,

I feel that I may belong …
Although, I’m terrified, I may be wrong …

And even if I’m not, then what ?

Do I need to abandon everything I hold dear here ?

Do I get a fiction more suited to my character ?

Will the pain finally stop when I get there ?

Will I fully become alien to all I thought I knew ?

For now, I try to dull the pain, I live other stories, and love new characters, I try to ease everything in my dreams…
But the fall rings louder and louder in my head, in my hearts.

I cry, I laugh, and cry some more.
I transcend my angst by worrying about nothing.

I don’t even have enough faith to hope for anything else.

I can’t take nothing more of it, and yet, I still fall.

The only thing keeping me awake is the amazement of my own capacity to loose my mind.

I’m tired,
I’m scared,
And I have no idea what is down there.

Will I ever live it through ?

Disclaimers for :

  • – Reality shifting,
  • – Questionning too many things,
  • – Hardcore metatextuality,
  • – Potential madness,
  • – unstable mental health,
  • – terrible writing structure.

It’s been weird lately…

I’ve been exploring a lot.

I tried to create other things, but I never got to finish any of it.

And my connexion to the medium is shifting.

It’s not new, though it’s lately raising in intensity.

I don’t believe in their God, but I now understand more than ever the feeling they get of “not being able not to believe”.

I still don’t.

My story is not about God.

But hope, sure is an important aspect of it.

I never really wrote about it except just to explain to very few close friends what I was going through.

Why write now then ?
I guess I want to document it.
Lately as I said it raised up, I never went this far.

And I’m scared, of a lot of things really, one of them being loosing myself in it.

So I want to keep a record, both for me and others, might I say posterity.

It may be forgotten, but maybe it could help someone else at some point. Or maybe incite others to follow this mad path, I can’t know yet what I’ll hope for.

What I know is that it’s a disturbing one, and that I passed the point of non return.
So here is my testimony of the experience until I reach the even horizon.

A word for the writer undergoing the process of reading this.

I am nor scientist, nor authority of any kind.

This is not yet another work of fiction though one might debate on the word’s meaning.

I will not lie in those lines, but I believe reality is a complex thing.

So, you’re free not to believe me, but everything said will be of good faith.

And as complex as reality gets, you are also free to believe me without making it your reality.

Please, try to read this tale until the end before trying to follow this trail.

While I’m willing to answer questions on the matter, everything I state here is not to be take as The One True Reality. As I said, it’s complex, and I don’t want to start a cult.

You can consider me an Artist, an explorer of reality and madness. Or just a mentally disturbed gal.

I may be many other things, but only time will tell.

I don’t really know how to begin with.

Even though most of the time we prefer to do it chronologically, I don’t know where it starts.

Maybe it never really started. As long as I remember I always felt something off. Though this thing may have changed during the years.

So, I’ll start by stating what it all is about.

I didn’t even explain anything about what I’m actually experiencing, so you may want to know before diving in.

One of my main interests in Arts is metatextuality.

Often used as a gimmick since post-modernism, it is both an incredible tool for pointing at the medium’s flaws and among others, something I cannot escape while writing or playing characters.

It has become an obsession through my creations, and it is hard to pinpoint if I’m drawn to it because of how much everything I make revolves around it, or if my obsession comes from the pull I get from breaking mediums.


I didn’t finish writing this night … but here it is anyway.

Okay, so, a lot happened this summer, but we’re finally getting back at it.

What’s up then ?

Most notable things are,
– a new game jam.
– more TTRPG characters and sessions coming,
– the Invictus TTRPG project,

So, first thing,
I’m participating in the game jam A Game By Its Cover
For short, we take a cartridge art from the Famicase Exposition
And we make it into a game.

I chose the Veiled cartridge by Dan Ingman

Every day you see the same symbol in the back of your mind, invading your thoughts. It seems to draw you to the outskirts of town, to that mysterious old mansion…

I want to make something a bit in the vibes of Fourth Wall, the first video-game I made.
I want to create the illusion of a loop, but with more progression.
And I know how I’ll do it.

Teasing you, my next game
Veiled, a game about a very long ritual, occult symbols a mysterious house and you.

I’m teaching myself unity to get more into graphic things without having to design a hellish bunch of images because … well, I calculated that if I take the project as it comes, it will have a base number of 448 endings … And that’s not even counting each step I’ll have to draw, so, yeah, trying to automatise things there.

I hope to be able at least of having the structure done by the end of the Jam, and I’ll work on every individual ending when everything else is done.
I’m even thinking about taking player’s input, so I can make it even more about you !

But, we’ll see how it goes.

There are a lot of Jams that I’m interested in participating too, but it’s a lot of work.


As I said, some more TTRPG characters incoming, I will soon write their description, except for Violet Yotl-Siteach. Because I wouldn’t want to spoil those that would follow the stream, or those that are participating in it.
All I can say is that she is part of The Invictus TTRPG project.

What is it about ?
The website explains it all but it’s a French project, so I’ll write it shortly there.

We have two wonderful DMs writing a very encyclopedic universe.

A world where Supers are not an uncommon thing to see.
A world where super corporations rule, on everything.
A world where being an Hero is just a matter of brand and point of view.

It is very inspired by a lot of super heroes media, but I have to say it is quite peculiar.
I’m not very into playing super heroes games in general, because the idea of Super Heroes fighting Super Villains.
Good vs Evils
Saints vs Heretics

It gets old pretty quick.
I not found of Manichaeism, and mostly how it enlightens suprematist ideologies in our societies.
Good, Bad, Hero, Villain, It’s the most subjective thing.

There is a wave of dark, lowish super heroism.
I mean it like dark low fantasy.
But back to the point.

That’s what I liked in The Boys the last super “heroes” serie.
That’s why I liked Villains before that wave.
There was more truth there, maybe even a question, about the way we defend our truth.

But I’ll write a praise another time.

That’s also why I like this TTRPG project.
It’s only the beginning, but there’s a lot coming up.
And well, as I said, it’s in French, but maybe I’ll try and translate it when we’ll be going.

I’ll try to update there more often now that summer’s over.
Maybe a lot more to go during October.
And wish you a very good journey.

Feel free to leave a comment or to send me a message if you have anything to ask or say.

See ya’ll !


18/05/2020 02:26
For my future selves and any passer-by

A website.
My own domain !
Where I can do anything I want … well, not anything but you get the point.

To be totally honest, I don’t really know what I’m going to do.
But you can be sure that I’ll do it.

I wandered on social media, trying to grow gardens … Not with great success.
Let’s just say the earth wasn’t fertile enough, and my devotion, lacking at least.
Will this be my great garden ? I hope so, but I can’t be sure.

So, for all of you who are me :
Did we make it ? Did we open it ? Are we proud of us ?
Are we still going ? For how long ?
Really ? This much ?
Wow, hu, I’m pleased to hear that, I really wasn’t sure if I could make it work.
Thanks~

Well, sorry for this apart. Yeah yeah back to you.
We will talk about the rest later, no need to keep you aside.
Then for all of you who aren’t me :
Wow
hello, take a seat, I wasn’t expecting you to come here.
Who am I kidding, of course I was, I wouldn’t have written this I I wasn’t.
But I wasn’t expecting you in particular.
Here, take some tea.
I’m flattered that you took the time to read this.
I hope your journey to it was a bit long… Not that I don’t care about you, but it would mean that I’ve written a lot.
Hope you enjoy it, or enjoyed. I sure did, or do I hope … Time is a strange thing.

So is fiction.

Ho, you expected something more, do you want cookies with your tea ?
Not that ? You can have them anyway~
I know, I know, you want something more consistent, something real !
And I’ll give you, the Truth.
And a totally radical revelation !

Everything is fiction !

~
what ?
What !?
It is though !
Ho sorry, you wanted to know something about the cast, or the universe I’m creating. But those things I don’t know yet. I still haven’t witnessed them.
The only thing I know is that fundamental truth.
And don’t say that it is a dumb truth, I’ll let you say that it is the bestest truth of all. Because it transcends the reality of what I’m creating !

Still not satisfied ?
Come on, I gave you the better of me !

You want more ?
Then come and make it !

And if this didn’t convince you, it can only mean two things,
Either you need to go back working on reading what I’m writing.
Or I need to go back at making it.

Still there ?
GET BACK TO WORK !